Loneliness in an introvert

 I’m lonely. I don’t really know what else to say. My job is currently very demanding, but it always is. There’s just an extra layer or six of stress this year. I am teaching three preps, and half my students are virtual at any given time. This means that throughout the day, I need to monitor email and answer technical questions from students who are at home, while teaching students who are there in person. Many of my students do not engage in getting any work done on their days at home, so when they are in class, they don’t have a good understanding of what’s going on. Many don’t do their work, and then cannot pass an assessment.

And that’s just work.

I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, but have very little time or motivation to exercise. And eating right? Hmm...I love Snickers and Reece’s. They’re a comfort to me. Yet I find myself upset with myself after eating them sometimes.

I have many friendly acquaintances, but few close friends. I don’t lean on friends like I need to, because I fear being a burden to them. I need friends who check on me. I hate always reaching out when I’m hurting or in need. Being an introvert means that while I like people, teaching all day takes most of my energy. I need to recharge, but I also need people who care about me to check up on me, invite me to coffee, whatever. I seem to be a person who is easy to overlook, and not only because I’m a small person. People assume I’m fine because I apparently have a face of confidence. People assume I’m ok and that I know what I’m doing. Often that serves me well. But sometimes, and increasingly lately, it causes people to overlook the fact that I’m hurting. I have never been someone people invite places.  I don’t know if it’s because they don’t want to invite me or if it simply doesn’t cross their mind to do so. Unfortunately, being an introvert means that I often wait for the invitation that isn’t coming. I sit at home alone, wishing I were with people, but unable to reach out and invite them to do something. My husband is a social person. He loves to be around others, and seeks opportunities to do so. I often decline to join him, not because I don’t want to be with him or have a dislike for those he’s meeting with, but rather because being around people who I don’t know well is exhausting to me. I come home utterly depleted rather than energized. I don’t like small talk. 

My kids are a whole other story, not one for publishing on the web. I’ll simply say that I struggle with motherhood lately in a way that I never have before. I feel inadequate in so many ways, I sometimes don’t know which end is up.

So yeah. I’m lonely. And I’ll likely just sit here on the couch, grade papers and go to bed. 

I might have some ice cream.

Thoughts on Fall 2020 and self-paced lessons

Thoughts on the upcoming school year:

It looks like we’ll be back in the classroom, physically, at least part of the time this coming year. I have missed my school family and my students! I’m not going to address my concerns about COVID at this time. I’m simply thinking about what and how I’ll be teaching. I will teach 4 academic classes this coming fall. (Two 8th grade math, one 8th grade Algebra, and one 8th grade Science)

Twice before I have individualized my mathematics instruction. First, in 1998, I created week-long units, each containing four lessons and a quiz. Every student took a quiz on Friday and the following week either revisited the same topic or moved on to the next topic. I met with groups every day for direct instruction and feedback on the previous day’s work. (Students had independent learning activities to do for Science, Social Studies, and reading when they were not meeting with me about math. They rotated like centers) It was wildly successful in my book. Not all of the students got to learn every topic, but every student was successful with the topics they did learn. Students rarely visited a topic a third time, and I felt very good about the work I did that year. Then I switched grades...

Fast forward to 2012. I was teaching 6th, 7th and 8th grade math. I had 4 preps: 6th grade math, 7th grade math, Pre-Algebra, and Algebra. I individualized the Pre-Algebra and the Algebra. I did it by using videos. I made the videos myself, and the students were to watch the video on their own time and work on the practice in class so that I could assist if necessary, facilitate discussions, and aid students with their understanding of the lessons. Students worked generally at their own pace, There was a “packet” with guided noted for each video and an assignment list for practice. Students were to come to me when they reached the point where quizzes or tests were located on the checklist. It was only moderately successful in my book. I feel like the videos were too long, and there was not a strict enough time table for students to follow. Because of that, a few students fell severely behind. Others did well, but I suspect that those are the students who would have done well anyway.

Problems I had with this:

• Many of the videos were too long
• Some students needed more structure and due dates.

This past Spring, I was teaching 7th grade math and 8th grade Algebra. I was teaching it pretty traditionally, while also incorporating some online tools when I felt it enhanced instruction. Then we hit COVID. I, like most teachers this Spring, was thrust online and I did my best to help my students navigate online learning. I had a few who simply shut down with the online model. I’m still not sure how I could have met their needs. The ones who dropped off were the ones who did not attend any of the Google Meet opportunities that I gave them, and rarely, if ever, asked specific enough questions for me to help them without actually speaking with them.

This Fall, I feel like we need to be prepared to possibly go online for a time if COVID cases spike. I also think that I need to be prepared for the possibility of students missing chunks of class due to COVID.

I’d like to come up with a way to combine the two methods I previously used to allow for a little self-pacing without losing some students, but because I’m not in a self-contained classroom with the same students all day long like when I taught third grade, I will need for the bulk of the instruction to be online. This is what I”m thinking:

• Break my learning targets into week-long chunks consisting of video lessons and practice (paper or online)
• Quiz students each Friday on the content covered that week.
• Have a “second chance” unit for each unit, including assessment
• Students move on or repeat as necessary
• Have a whole class “meeting time” for at least 15 minutes each day to check in with the class as a whole and create some sense of community. This will also give me a chance to get to know my students, which is my favorite part of teaching anyway!

This would be a lot of work up front. I did all of the prep work ahead of time for my third grade experiment, and simply had a file box with a file for each unit. I would spend Sunday evening or Monday morning making copies for the week (6 of these, 4 of these, 3 of these, etc.) I did not do all of the work upfront in 2012. I made the videos by the unit. So I would make an entire unit’s videos and then take a break. I would then work on the next unit when my fastest student got close to finishing it. This time around, I would likely do some combination. I’d lay out the order of the units (which is largely done by our scope and sequence) and decide how much to include in each week. I would decide on /make/find/curate the practice assignments ahead of time, but I’d likely make the videos in spurts. I’d like to make the initial instruction videos myself but have the second chance videos be ones I find online. I think it is often good for students to hear someone else explain a concept if they’ve already heard me.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Ideas, cautions, etc.

Many Thanks!

Mary