I’m lonely. I don’t really know what else to say. My job is currently very demanding, but it always is. There’s just an extra layer or six of stress this year. I am teaching three preps, and half my students are virtual at any given time. This means that throughout the day, I need to monitor email and answer technical questions from students who are at home, while teaching students who are there in person. Many of my students do not engage in getting any work done on their days at home, so when they are in class, they don’t have a good understanding of what’s going on. Many don’t do their work, and then cannot pass an assessment.
And that’s just work.
I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, but have very little time or motivation to exercise. And eating right? Hmm...I love Snickers and Reece’s. They’re a comfort to me. Yet I find myself upset with myself after eating them sometimes.
I have many friendly acquaintances, but few close friends. I don’t lean on friends like I need to, because I fear being a burden to them. I need friends who check on me. I hate always reaching out when I’m hurting or in need. Being an introvert means that while I like people, teaching all day takes most of my energy. I need to recharge, but I also need people who care about me to check up on me, invite me to coffee, whatever. I seem to be a person who is easy to overlook, and not only because I’m a small person. People assume I’m fine because I apparently have a face of confidence. People assume I’m ok and that I know what I’m doing. Often that serves me well. But sometimes, and increasingly lately, it causes people to overlook the fact that I’m hurting. I have never been someone people invite places. I don’t know if it’s because they don’t want to invite me or if it simply doesn’t cross their mind to do so. Unfortunately, being an introvert means that I often wait for the invitation that isn’t coming. I sit at home alone, wishing I were with people, but unable to reach out and invite them to do something. My husband is a social person. He loves to be around others, and seeks opportunities to do so. I often decline to join him, not because I don’t want to be with him or have a dislike for those he’s meeting with, but rather because being around people who I don’t know well is exhausting to me. I come home utterly depleted rather than energized. I don’t like small talk.
My kids are a whole other story, not one for publishing on the web. I’ll simply say that I struggle with motherhood lately in a way that I never have before. I feel inadequate in so many ways, I sometimes don’t know which end is up.
So yeah. I’m lonely. And I’ll likely just sit here on the couch, grade papers and go to bed.
I might have some ice cream.
